This wasn’t a blog that was in my list of topics to talk about because I was so sure that it would just be something that was generally understood, but then something happened to a young actor this week, so it appears that some people haven’t got the memo. So here I am to talk about this.
Kit Connor is an 18-year-old actor known for his role as Nick Nelson in the Netflix series ‘Heartstopper’ adapted from a series of graphic novels of the same name. For those who haven’t watched or read the series, ‘Heartstopper’ is a cavity inducing, boy meets boy romance set in a British Secondary School. When rugby lad Nick Nelson meets recently outed Charlie Spring (Joe Locke), he starts falling for him which is confusing as he always (and still does) like girls. Through the eight-episode series, we watch Nick coming to terms with his sexuality and whether he feels comfortable in coming out to everyone. If you watch nothing else, go and watch the scene of Nick coming out to his mum (Olivia Coleman) as it is truly moving.
Now that everyone’s caught up, on to the problem. Since ‘Heartstopper’ aired, a very loud group of people have accused Connor of ‘queerbaiting’, which is a term used when a person appropriates queer culture or aesthetics without actually being a member of the community. In this instance, people were angry because Connor was playing a bisexual character but wouldn’t confirm whether he himself is bisexual. At this point, I would just like to remind everyone reading this that Kit Connor is a teenager who is being bullied because he doesn’t want to come out. Coming out, by the way, is something that both the show and the books put great emphasis on being the choice of the person coming to terms with their sexuality and shows through Charlie how detrimental it can be if they are forcibly outed. On Tuesday, Conor tweeted ‘back for a minute. i’m bi. congrats on forcing an 18 year old to out himself. i think some of you missed the point of the show. bye’.
There are multiple reasons why any person may have a valid reason for not coming out, even now when being LGBTQIA+ is generally accepted (although, a lot less than people think since casual homophobia is still very much a real thing). However, just because we believe someone is gay or bi or whatever in our own lives that absolutely does not mean that we can go up to someone and just demand that they tell us! Least of all a teenager who is still working themselves out. So, why is that suddenly ok if a person is in the public eye? The short answer is it isn’t. I understand the desire for authenticity and wanting bi characters played by bi actors but that still doesn’t mean that they owe it to you to come out if they don’t want or aren’t ready to. An actor doesn’t owe you anything of their personal life in the same way that your plumber or accountant doesn’t.
This is only the most recent example of an actor’s boundaries being stomped all over. A few years ago, Layton Williams was on tour as the titular character in ‘Everybody’s Talking About Jamie’ when he was followed back to his Airbnb by two fans who had been at a performance a few days prior. These girls knocked on his door at 12:30am for five minutes and when he didn’t answer, they pushed a note under the door asking him to sign the program (also pushed under the door) because they were ‘in my brother’s bad books’. Unsurprisingly, Williams was absolutely fuming and didn’t feel safe so checked out and moved digs. This was the third time that he had had to do this. The really worrying part is that until he called them out on Twitter (not by name as the note wasn’t signed), the girls didn’t see anything wrong with what they had done. Sadly, they don’t seem to be the only ones as someone Tweeted that he shouldn’t live his life on social media if he didn’t want this! What this seems to suggest is that stalking is acceptable if you are in the public eye, but why should it be? If Williams was a maths teacher (someone who actually has more day to day, personal contact with people in the community) and was followed home by two students, there would never be any question with how wrong that was, yet because he is a performer it’s somehow a controversial topic. I don’t understand at all.
When I was directing ‘Kindertransport’ I had two instances where my boundaries were overstepped, and I was made to feel uncomfortable. One, granted, could have happened if I had been working in any field but the other could not. I would just like to preface this by saying that I really, truly love and appreciate anyone that comes to see something that Everything’s Rosie puts on, but this has left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. Without going into details, a group of well-intentioned people who came to see the show put me on the spot and asked for something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I told them ‘no’ and let them know how uneasy it made me, but it was brushed off as fake modesty because it was implied that I wanted to be famous. Those who know me know that there is nothing I would like less. Nevertheless, I was told that I wanted the attention (again, anyone that spoke to me during or after the process knows that I really didn’t) and that the fact that I was uncomfortable was my problem, like they weren’t causing it. Would this conversation have happened if I had helped a member of this group return an item at M&S? I highly doubt it.
What all of this comes down to (even the instance with Kit Connor) is that once someone has entered the industry, whether as an actor or (it seems) a director, people seem to expect them to give up everything in their personal life. People expect to know who they date or want to date and where they live. Those in the spotlight are then expected to act thrilled at the attention, because that’s what we really want right? We want to be famous. We want to have fans. We want people coming to our shows. It seems like giving up our own privacy and boundaries is a small price to pay for that.
But here’s a question for you to consider – if you wouldn’t do it to a butcher, a baker or a candlestick maker, why would you do it to us? We’re still human and expect the same right to privacy and respect of boundaries that you would give to anyone else.
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